by Gerald Gonzales, Ph.D.
As a working professional and involved parent, I regularly experience navigating family duties and pursuing a meaningful career.
Earlier this week, my day involved my regular work responsibilities plus:
Presenting a workshop;
Getting multiple quotes for a broken fence;
Coaching my daughter's basketball team;
Volunteering at my parish; and
Picking up another from dance practice.
This type of day may be familiar for many of you navigating work demands with family obligations.
However, I want to challenge the conventional notion of "balance" and introduce a powerful alternative: integration.
Unconscious Bias Against Working Parents
The prevailing societal biases against working parents, particularly mothers, can impact career trajectories. The decision to have a family is often seen as a limitation rather than an enriching and meaningful aspect of life. What many organizations and hiring managers forget to recognize is the value, depth, and joy that a family brings to our lives.
Recent data from the Pew Research Center (Milkin & Horowitz, 2023) sheds light on the challenges faced by working parents:
62% of parents find parenting to be more challenging than expected.
57% of parents with children younger than 5 say that parenting is tiring all or most of the time.
35% of mothers consider being a parent as their most important identity.
These statistics clearly demonstrate the inherent difficulties of raising a family while pursuing a career.
Financial consequences compound these challenges. In 2007, a Harvard study (Correl et al., 2007) confirmed the "motherhood penalty" and found a pay gap between mothers and non-mothers. The study also found that hiring managers are less likely to hire women with children than women without children.
Even if hiring managers offered the job to working mothers, there would likely be bias against them when it comes to being considered for promotion.
Some of these macrosystemic factors are clearly out of our control. I encourage working parents to focus on what's important and within their control—achieving work-life harmony.
Attempting to achieve work-life harmony can be challenging. These include prioritizing tasks, limited time, feelings of guilt, finding quality childcare, parenting fatigue, and financial stress.
On the other hand, having work-life harmony will likely produce more engaged parenting, improved role modeling, more quality time, and increased work engagement.
So, how do we move from the work-life struggle to work-life bliss?
The Work-Life Journey: from Balance to Alignment
When I was 25, I quit working as a merchandise planner for a brand-new division of Williams-Sonoma, Inc. (WSI) called Pottery Barn Kids. Pottery Barn Kids is a specialty store that sells furniture, bedding, etc., for children. There was a market gap for kids in this space, and the decision makers of WSI believed they could leverage Pottery Barn's success.
In retail, this was a start-up's dream. It was early 1999. I was the first and only merchandise planner. Our initial catalog launch was an immediate success. I recall parents calling in the sales catalog line and saying they loved the product. They wouldn't buy it now but just wanted to express their joy.
I tried to achieve a work-life balance during that time—separating work and personal life. In a start-up world, that doesn't work. I failed miserably. It's folly to think that I could achieve such perfection. I was burned out, stressed, and had a midlife crisis at age 25.
So, I traveled to Australia for a year to reflect on my career direction and trajectory. I concluded that what I needed was work-life alignment. That is, aligning my personal and professional values, personality, interests, and skills to a career that fits me so I could naturally be my authentic self.
I decided to change careers from business to health care because I wanted to help people. And that's been an extraordinary change. It's a privilege to serve the needs of others.
As my wife and I had kids and started a family, I struggled to be content with work-life alignment.
My personal life at home became chaotic, and that disorganization started to bleed into my work. I wasn't the father, spouse, or professional I wanted to be and knew I could be. That's when I shifted my thinking from alignment to work-life integration.
Since this shift, I've become more present with my family and more creative in my work. I've felt more engaged, grounded, and intentional. In doing so, I've experienced more moments of joy, creativity, and flow that I hadn't experienced for quite some time.
The challenges still remain, but I'm more prepared to tackle them mindfully and creatively.
Closing Remarks
In a world where traditional work hours no longer exist and remote work is prevalent, work-life integration recognizes that boundaries are fluid. Professional and personal lives are more intertwined than ever, so I embraced work-life integration to help me achieve the desired harmony.
Your unique circumstance determines which approach will likely work best for you: work-life balance, alignment, or integration. The key is to commit to one tiny action and see how it goes. Embracing time management, setting realistic expectations, building a support network, and celebrating small wins are crucial in every journey.
While raising a family and advancing a career is undeniably challenging, accepting this reality frees us from constant complaints. Family brings richness and meaning to our lives; you can achieve your desired work-life harmony.
For me, moving to a mindset of work-life integration was the approach that has made all the difference.
References:
Correll, S. J., Benard, S., & Paik, I. (2007). Getting a Job: Is There a Motherhood Penalty? 1. American journal of sociology, 112(5), 1297-1339.
Milkin R., and Horowitz, J.M. (2023). Parenting in America Today. Pew Research Center: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2023/01/PST_2023.01.24_parenting_REPORT.pdf.
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