by Gerald Gonzales, Ph.D.
Last week, I tried waking up my teenage daughter, who was sleeping through her alarm. As I gently sat on her bed and kindly told her that it was time to get up, she said, “I’m so tired.”
She’d been up past midnight the previous night doing homework because she didn’t get home from her extracurricular activities until 9:45 p.m.
“I’ll be back in 10 minutes to wake you up, OK, love,” I responded. I return 10 minutes later. Again, I gently approach her, “Good morning, sweetie. It’s time to get up.”
“Give me five more minutes, Papa,” she replied. So, I compassionately give her another five minutes.
Five minutes pass, and I go into her room again and say more firmly, “Hey honey, I need you to get up, get dressed, and have breakfast. Today is Thursday, and traffic is awful.”
“I know, Papa. I know!” she yelled. “I’m so tired!”
Letting Go of Unhelpful Interpretation
Here I am, trying to help out my daughter, compassionately attending to her, and she greets me with an ungrateful yell and more whine to follow. You can imagine getting irritated by such a reaction despite my best efforts to be compassionate.
In the past, I would have interpreted such remarks as being disrespectful or rude, especially in our Asian culture. Other cultures that respect the elders would have similar interpretations of that event. How many of you can relate to this kind of interpretation?
Today, I use peaceful parenting principles to let go of such irritation, which helps me stay calm and grounded, let go of irrational thinking, and respond (vs. react) more empathically.
And that approach has made all the difference.
Peaceful Approach to Parenting
Peaceful parenting is an approach that values your relationship with your children. It is rooted in the belief that children thrive in an environment where they feel respected, valued, and supported rather than controlled or coerced through fear or punishment. Peaceful parenting emphasizes empathy, understanding, and compassionate communication in raising children.
It starts with empathy and understanding. As children grow thru different developmental stages, parents put themselves in children’s shoes, attend to their children’s social, emotional, and physical needs.
Peaceful parenting reinforces expected behaviors through encouragement and praise. Instead of a punitive approach to parenting—yelling, shaming, coercing, it’s about setting firm, realistic boundaries with soft-touch practices using natural and logical consequences.
This approach also emphasizes open communication with children. It means actively listening to children’s thoughts, feelings, and concerns with the goal of understanding rather than responding (and solving their problems for them).
Peaceful parenting respects autonomy, encourages problem-solving, develops emotional intelligence, and reduces behavioral problems.
Respects Autonomy and Independence
When children feel like they have mastery, this feeling of mastery is like a deposit into their self-worth bank account. The more we encourage them to try to learn, the more their self-confidence grows.
Because you, as a parent, you have respected and empathized with your children’s thoughts, feelings, and concerns, so they are more likely to grow and be more autonomous.
Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers, the father of person-centered therapy, believed everything started with empathy. In his book, On Becoming a Person, he wrote, “We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”
Rogers believed that empathy was a transformative force that helped others self-actualize and become their best versions because they were given the unconditional positive regard that we all desire and deserve. When you show empathy to others, it facilitates growth and healing.
Sharpens Problem-Solving Skills
One of my favorite approaches to a challenging moment is to (a) name the emotion, (b) reflect an interpretation, and then (c) observe how the child responds. More often than not, once I have the child emotionally regulated, I ask: is this a tiny problem or a big problem (an approach from Michelle Garcia-Winner’s Social Thinking curriculum)?
BIG problems—call the police, call the doctor, go to the hospital. Tiny problems are everything else that isn’t a BIG problem. Tiny problems are solvable. Asking children to tap into their logical mind naturally gets them out of their emotional mind.
The bonus (once you get them regulated) is that you empower them to resolve their problems without you having to intervene.
Further Develops Emotional Intelligence
In 1990, Drs Peter Salovey and John Mayer explored and defined emotional intelligence (EI). Daniel Goleman popularized EI in 1995 with his book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Matters More Than IQ.
According to Salovey and Mayer (1990), emotional intelligence is “the ability to monitor one’s own and other's feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions."
If parents can understand their own emotions, regulate them, and accurately perceive their child’s emotions, this helps inform how they proceed with the challenging situation.
Reduced behavioral problems
Rudolf Driekers was a psychiatrist and educator who developed a theory about why children misbehave. He identified four goals or functions of misbehavior: attention, power, revenge, and avoidance of failure.
As peaceful parents, our role is to understand the underlying goals or functions of the misbehavior. For example, if my child wants attention, one way I can give it is to have them be more involved in my day-to-day activities. My son loves to help me cook, and having him join me to address his need for attention by getting him more involved.
If you believe that the function of your child’s/teen’s misbehavior is power (not in a selfish way), what they really want is a sense of independence. You want to ask yourself, how can I give my child a sense of autonomy so they can grow to be more confident, learn from their mistakes, and develop to be more resilient children?
If it’s revenge (not because they are antisocial), then it’s about honoring fairness in the triggering event. If it’s avoidance of failure, then it’s likely that your child is looking to feel competent.
When we approach the situation more compassionately and determine the function of our children’s misbehavior, we can help reduce behavioral problems and promote cooperation.
The Parenting Journey is a Struggle
Parenting is a challenging journey. The struggle is real, even for us child and family psychologists.
An old saying goes something like this: “The shoe cobbler’s children have no shoes.” That is, the shoe cobbler is so busy serving their clients and prioritizing their needs that they have lost sight of the work they need to do at home.
In my case, this saying would translate to my worst nightmare: “The child and family psychologist’s children have no mental wellness.”
Despite the busyness of my work, parenting is my most important role; my wife and I are responsible for the development and growth of our children. That’s why a peaceful parenting approach aligns with my values.
Now, we are all experts; we all have lived experience parenting during stressful moments. I’m not saying that you need to adopt principles of peaceful parenting because every child and every family is different; however, you want to consider a subtle change in your approach to help change your child’s experience and get closer to your desired outcome.
But here’s the secret I wish someone had shared with me long ago: it involves your relationship with stress.
Your Relationship with Stress
Let’s do some quick word association. When you hear the word stress, what comes to mind? You likely associate stress with something terrible, unhealthy, hurtful, and something to avoid at all costs.
I mean, who doesn’t want less stress in their lives?
In her 2013 TED talk, health psychologist and author Kelly McGonigal challenged us to consider how we view stress. She presented research suggesting that if we change our mindset to how we think about stress, how our body responds to stress also changes.
My takeaway is simple: when we embrace stress as a natural part of life and see it as an opportunity for growth, we start to experience its benefits. The benefits of stress—the release of oxytocin, increased focus, adrenaline, and motivation to change—help us be more compassionate, reach out and connect with others, and reconsider how we look at challenges.
Let's commit to changing how we relate to stress to be more consistent in our approach to peaceful parenting.
Closing Thought
To close, I want us to carry this thought forward: the peaceful parenting approach we seek is already within us despite the busyness and stress in our lives.
The mindset shift in how we relate to stress will unlock the door to peaceful parenting.
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