Unleash the Power of Optimism in Children

by Gerald Gonzales, Ph.D.

Article originally posted in LinkedIn, 7/31/2023

"Bad things always happen to me," "Everyone is better than me," and "I'll never succeed" are some examples of children's negative self-talk. 

As a parent, it breaks my heart whenever I hear children talk negatively about themselves. Hearing these statements from one of my children is exceedingly hurtful. Thoughts of "What did I do wrong" or "What could I have done better" immediately come to mind.

The truth is that we are all guilty of having negative self-talk. These talks are challenging to eliminate because they are both automatic and convincing. 

By nature, we have no control over our automatic thoughts. Over the years of providing mental health therapy to patients, I've learned to encourage them to change how they relate to their thoughts.

A parent recently asked me: "How can I get my child to be more optimistic?"

Optimism

I'm blessed to have dispositional optimism. 

Upon further reflection, I'm uncertain if my genes 100% contributed to my sense of optimism. Most likely, the interaction of genetic predisposition and environment cultivated optimism. I can honestly attribute some of my optimism to my environment: I grew up with a grandmother who consistently looked at the bright side of things; I have many family members who always practiced gratitude; and, culturally, I believed in the idea of bahala na--an expressive Filipino attitude of optimistic acceptance in the face of uncertainty.

Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, is credited with finding learned optimism from his research studies. He wrote, "The basis of optimism does not lie in positive phrases or images of victory, but in the way you think about causes" (Seligman, 2007, p. 52). 

His research studies showed that individuals could learn to have a more positive outlook by modifying and challenging negative thought patterns.

The Benefits of Optimism

Research studies have documented that the benefits of optimism include:

• Improved resilience;

• Better physical health;

• Improved mental health;

• More effective coping skills;

• Improved achievement and performance; and

• Enhanced social relationships.

For example, a longitudinal 37-year study by Segovia and colleagues (2012) found that optimism predicted the resilience of war survivors. Studies have also shown that optimism has a positive relationship with employee engagement (Jensen et al., 2007) and longevity (Lee et al., 2019). Optimism was negatively associated with emotional exhaustion (Vizoso et al., 2019)

Teach Children the B.R.I.G.H.T. Side of Things

Generally speaking, optimists have a positive outlook that's balanced and realistic, have hopeful expectations, practice gratitude regularly, and have a favorable view of their skills and abilities. They tend to look at the bright side of adversity and challenges.

As indicated by Selligman, we can develop optimism and teach our children to be optimistic. Please consider the B.R.I.G.H.T. side of things, which is an acronym for the following:

• Beliefs

• Role Models

• Innovation

• Gratitude

• Helpfulness

• Talents

Beliefs

You can take inventory of your internal and external dialogue with your children. The content of your beliefs about them contributes to their level of optimism. Think of beliefs as either deposits or withdrawals to their self-optimism bank account. 

For example, when children believe that more positive outcomes will happen, "money" is deposited into their self-optimism account. The opposite is true: when you state critical or judgmental comments about them, these things serve as withdrawals. 

Mahatma Gandhi is often attributed to the idea that your beliefs become thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and ultimately destiny. Why not fill your children's self-optimism account with encouraging beliefs?

Role models

Think about the last time you spend some time with an optimistic person. Being with that optimist likely gave you energy, boosted your worth, and made you feel better about yourself. 

Now, could you think about the last time you spent with a pessimistic individual? I bet you felt drained, exhausted, and even felt slightly defeated. 

Optimistic individuals surround themselves with other happy and hopeful people, so let's do the same with our children. 

And it starts with you. American entrepreneur Jim Rohn said, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." So be a role model for your kids and surround them with role models.

Innovation (to solve the problem)

I often tell my patients that there is an inverse relationship between their emotional and logical minds. That is, when a person gets emotionally dysregulated, that person's rational mind is relatively dormant. When we activate our analytical mind, we naturally settle down the emotional mind. 

I encourage my pediatric patients and parents to be innovative when developing solutions to their problems. Not only does activating their creative thinking ignite the regulation of emotions, but it also urges open-mindedness and out-of-the-box thinking that promotes a growth mindset as conceptualized by psychologist and Stanford professor Carol Dweck.

Gratitude

Too often, I've seen adults and children (in my practice and personal life) take things for granted, don't appreciate what they have (and long for something they don't have), and have unreasonable expectations. I'm describing entitlement, which is the antithesis of gratitude. 

Optimistic individuals express gratitude and appreciation regularly and multiple times a day. In doing so, these individuals are more resilient and more fulfilled in their lives. Help your children practice gratitude in their daily habits and routines.

Helpfulness

Even though I do everything I can to make a wise decision, I sometimes fall into the trap of making fear-based or impulsive actions. 

In his book, "Man's Search for Meaning," Victor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist, neurologist, and Holocaust survivor, introduced the idea of a space or gap between stimulus and response. He argued that this space allows people to make wise decisions that help them find meaning in adverse circumstances. 

So, before reacting to a situation, help your children ask themselves a Helpfulness Question: "How is this thought, action, or decision helpful?" You might be surprised how permitting yourself to be in that space can help your sense of optimism.

Talents

When I heard that basketball M.V.P. and 4-time N.B.A. Champion Stephen Curry won the American Century Championship (A.C.C.) golf tournament, I was in awe of his talents. He became the third athlete to win the event, the second basketball player, and the first African American athlete. 

Two things are easy to forget: (1) Steph Curry (and other gifted people) developed their talent over time; they all put in the work to be proficient and skillful at their craft; and (2) we all have our talents and skills. 

Identify your children's talents and help them further develop these skills. Help them consider looking at challenges as opportunities to develop new skills.

Pessimists are Not Realists

Pessimistic people will often say they're realists (and not pessimists). 

That couldn't be further from the truth. Realists accept things as they are and seek a balanced, objective view. Conversely, pessimists focus on the negative and tend to expect unpleasant things to happen generally.

Optimists consider themselves to be related to realists. They see both negative and positive outcomes but choose the latter because they value being hopeful. As parents, we must also attempt to uncover potential causes of our children's negative self-talk (e.g., bullying, academic pressures, unrealistic expectations from you, etc.).

So what are you waiting for? Help children unlock the power of optimism by practicing the B.R.I.G.H.T. side strategies. 

And watch your children's life unfold.

P.S. The B.R.I.G.H.T. side strategies work effectively for us adults :).

#optimism #parentingtips #growthmindset #resilience #nurturingpotential

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Citations

Jensen, S. M, Luthans, K. W., Lebsack, S. A., & Lebsack, R. R. (2007). Journal of Applied Management and Entrepreneurship 12(3), 57-72.

Lee, L. O., James, P., Zevon, E. S., Kim, E. S., Trudel-Fitzgerald, C., Spiro, A., Grodstein, F., & Kubzansky, L. D. (2019). Optimism is associated with exceptional longevity in 2 epidemiologic cohorts of men and women. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 116(37), 18357–18362.

Segovia, F., Moore, J. L., Linnville, S. E., Hoyt, R. E., & Hain, R. E. (2012). Optimism predicts resilience in repatriated prisoners of war: A 37-year longitudinal study. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 25(3), 330–336. https://doi-org.libproxy.scu.edu/10.1002/jts.21691

Seligman, M. E. P. (2007). The optimistic child: A proven program to safeguard children against depression and build lifelong resilience. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Vizoso, C., Arias-Gundín, O., & Rodríguez, C. (2019). Exploring coping and optimism as predictors of academic burnout and performance among university students. Educational Psychology, 39(6), 768–783. https://doi-org.libproxy.scu.edu/10.1080/01443410.2018.1545996