by Gerald Gonzales, Ph.D.
Article originally posted on LinkedIn on 7/14/2023
If you're like me, I aspire to communicate openly with my children at age-appropriate levels.
I want my kids to be comfortable talking to me about anything and everything. I want to be that secure adult who they can count on as someone who will actively listen, be nonjudgmental, and empathize with what they're going through.
Research studies have documented the benefits of open communication between parents and children, including enhanced social-emotional development, positive parent-child relationships, and improved academic achievements.
A study by Gentzler and colleagues (2005) indicated that open communication on emotions between parent and child was related to children's healthy coping strategies. Golish's (2000) article highlighted the long-term benefits of the relationship between communication and healthy adult child-parent relationships. Another study by Zhang (2020) suggested that the quality of parent-child communication is closely linked to children's academic performance.
Be Curious
In my clinical practice, open-ended questions sparked deeper conversations. These questions helped me explore the situation in a way that didn't feel interrogating to my pediatric patients and parents.
Asking non-directive questions starting with How or What were my most successful questions showing my curiosity.
Refrain from asking, "How was school today?" That question inevitably leads to the "Fine" or "Good" response.
Instead, try to be more specific in your curiosity. For example, "What's one thing that made you laugh at school today?", "How did your Math test go today?" or "What was the hardest thing you did today?"
You will be tempted to ask precise questions that end up being closed-ended. Convert them to open-ended. Instead of asking, "Did you finish doing your homework today?" try "How far along are you with your homework?" Notice how the latter comes across as more curious. Try converting those closed-ended questions to How or What questions.
Make Your Children Feel Understood
Whenever I pick my children up from school, I use that time together to be curious about their day.
I typically turn off the radio and give them my full attention after asking a How or What question. I'd use my active listening skills to let them know they felt understood and heard.
Renowned American psychologist and a founding figure of the humanistic approach to psychotherapy, Carl Rogers, wrote: "We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy."
Try paraphrasing what they said, and see what happens. You can even reflect on their feelings for them, especially if it's hard for that child to express their emotions. You can also give a cautious interpretation of what they said. These skills are essential for showing empathy and helping deepen the conversation.
Adopt Your Approach Based on Children's Response
When my kids were younger, asking "How" and "What" questions worked like a charm.
As my kids got older, the question, "What's one thing that excited you about school today" no longer worked. I got the prototypical answer of "I dunno" or "Nothing."
After a few times of this happening, I knew something had to change because our conversations fell flat on its face. Doubt began to rise from within. I feared the trajectory of no longer being able to be that parent they could talk to openly.
I had to change my approach to have a different experience—for me and my children.
Instead of asking a question, I shared more about my day, what excited me, and my struggles. In doing so, I began to model for them that we could speak about various topics that sparked pleasant and unpleasant emotions.
Changing how I approached talking to my kids changed their experience of me as an adult. As a result, the outcome of our conversation changed.
Trust the Therapeutic Process
Changing how you approach communicating with your children is a process.
Trust that the subtle changes you intentionally make will eventually make a difference. When I started changing my approach, my children didn't immediately approach it. They gave the "Who are you and what did you do with our dad" kind of look.
There will be challenges along the way when you make changes. But I trusted the process. I remained empathetic, curious, and nonjudgmental. Once they experienced that light, their natural defenses dropped.
And our conversations improved.
Subtle Changes to Change Their Experience
Make a subtle change to your communication approach.
This subtle change is vital for two reasons: those subtle changes are more likely to stick than drastic changes, and your children will more likely respond better to your subtle changes.
For example, instead of asking questions about how their day went, you can start the conversation by sharing with them how your day went. It's on that same topic.
Here's another idea: instead of solving or giving solutions to your children's problems for them, try soliciting their ideas for solutions.
One more idea: if you want to help them change how they relate to unpleasant emotions, then look at how you relate to your unpleasant feelings.
Make the change simple and easy to implement. Notice how this subtle change in approach changes your experience and your children's.
Then watch the magic unfold.
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Citations:
Gentzler, A. L., Contreras, G. J. M., Kerns, K. A., & Weimer, B. L. (2005). Parent–Child Emotional Communication and Children's Coping in Middle Childhood. Social Development, 14(4), 591–612. https://doi-org.libproxy.scu.edu/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2005.00319.x
Golish, T. D. (2000). Changes in Closeness between Adult Children and their Parents: A Turning Point Analysis. Communication Reports, 13(2), 79. https://doi-org.libproxy.scu.edu/10.1080/08934210009367727
Zhang Y (2020). Quality Matters More Than Quantity: Parent–Child Communication and Adolescents' Academic Performance. Front. Psychol. 11:1203. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01203
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